I am thinking about relationships today. It seems to be an ongoing theme in my heart as of late. I know that God is changing me, transforming me, and bringing me closer to Him. As He does this, I can sense that my heart toward my relationships with others will never be the same again, and I am glad.
I just finished reading Authentic Reionships, by Wayne Jacobsen and Clay Jacobsen. It confirmed so much of what has been in my heart, yet I couldn't seem to find the words, to explain. In the Church system, (which I am not saying is bad), I have many times felt like I was expected to live up to the expectations of others. I was expected to submit to their desire for me, and go against what I felt in my heart.
I have had relationships that I thought were true and genuine, until I felt God tugging at my heart in a different direction then what others thought. Then, in their minds I was no longer following God. I am really not writing this to put others down. But, to say that the most important thing I have realized is that we cannot give what we have not received. When we do not realize that God does not violate our will, to follow our own hearts and conscience, we will not realize this in our relationship with others. We will demand things from them that we have no right to demand. I have done this to others, as well. I am sorry!
God works ALL things together for our good, even our mistakes will lead us in the right direction.
"It (submission) allows us to partner with others in the process of being changed by Jesus, not to control them to do what we think best."
Over the last five years God has shaken me and all of my ideas of what it means to walk with Him. I feel as though, I was born again, again. In this leg of my journey, I am seeing that I have demanded things from my relationships with others, even recently. I did not realize that I was filling a need in myself, with someone other than Jesus.
Three and a half years ago the Lord moved us from our home town, in Ohio, to Illinois. We knew not one soul, here. It was after we moved that the Lord began to show me the insecurities that I held with myself. Back home everyone knew me, knew my heart, and respected me as person. Here, no one knew me, no one knew my heart, no one had a reason to respect me as a person.
However, God started changing me and teaching me that there is only one true place to find security, in Jesus. He recently has shown me that I have demanded from others to fill my insecurities in my friendships. I have used my friendships to fill voids and needs in my life that can only be filled by God.
If you are my real life friend, and you are reading this, I am sorry.
I want to love you, just because,
not because you love me back in the way I want you to.
I want to accept you, just because,
not because you agree with what I think and make me feel good about myself.
I want to support you, just because,
not because I will get anything from you that I think will benefit me.
I want to spend time with you, just because,
not because I think you can boost my ego and make me feel wise.
I want to help you, just because,
not because I need to feel needed by others to have worth or value.
I want to be free to be the me that is found in Jesus, just because,
I can then let you be that too.
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