I have discovered and learned a lot of new lessons over the last few weeks. I love that every day, every situation, is an opportunity for Father to teach us new lessons, each one drawing us closer to the heart of Himself.
Sometimes we learn lessons from watching and listening to others. We feel, see, and hear how what they do affects us and we quickly realize this is something I never want to make someone else feel, see or hear.
I had a few of these happen to me during the time of my grandmas showing and funeral. As I think back to them I have to laugh a little, as I wonder "what were these people thinking?" So, I thought I would share with you three wonderful things that you should never say to someone when they have just lost a loved one...yes, that was a hint of sarcasm you detected...
1. Now this one I realize is probably pretty common, people mean well, and in these types of sad circumstance many simply do not know what to say. But, telling someone that "It's okay, she is in a better place." does not make them feel better. When Jesus said "weep with those who weep" I think that's what He really meant . The people who helped me the most did not try to minimize my grief, but cried with me and understood that even though I KNOW she is in a better place, I will still miss her, my tears were for me.
2. I had one person tell me that of all the people they could think of I had the most faith, so come on now...you can do this! Ummmm...okay?!?! Sure, but this still bites, it has nothing to do with faith. Having faith gives you hope, but it does not make your heart stop hurting.
3. This is classic..my favorite; at my grandmas showing a man (a rude man) walked up to me, hugged me and said "Hi Daveda, wow, you look like you have put on a little weight?" Mind you there were six people sitting around listening...things got very quiet all of a sudden. I was stunned as I responded with "Oh, wow, that's really nice of you, thanks..." (yes, another hint of sarcasm) It's my grandmas funeral, and that's the nicest thing he could think of to say to me...Oh my!
I guess if nothing else, these are three things I will never say to someone. As I look back, I can now laugh about these comments. Laugh and learn, what else can you do...
Chapter 4: Who Are You to Write This?
3 hours ago
14 comments:
"Having faith gives you hope, but it does not make your heart stop hurting."
You are so right! This is probably why so many feel like they have to "stuff" their real emotions to try to "act" like the strong Christian...but even Jesus wept!
May His peace continue to flood your heart and mind! *HUGS!*
I'm sorry you had to hear these. People simply don't think, and they certainly don't put themselves in someone else's shoes to consider their feelings.
We had a friend that lost a son at age 11. At about the one year point a member of their church asked them, "Are you over him yet?" How unkind.
I agree with Shanda that your statement about having faith is so right. And even if the person is in a better place, how does that minimize our snese of loss here? It doesn't.
You don't a service to many people posting this to remnind us to be careful with our words. Sometimes we shouldn't even ues words. Like you said, weep with those who weep.
Oh girl, you must live in THIS community! Seems like that old jerk lives around here too. lol
I've been insulted by him a few times myself.
I know people only try to help. How do you like it when people say that someone looks beautiful in her casket? That has always been strange to me too.
We just buried my husband's uncle on Monday and I was in the family line too. You're right -- some interesting comments.
I am sorry about your loss. It is so hard to miss someone we love.
Beth
Oh girl, you must live in THIS community! Seems like that old jerk lives around here too. lol
I've been insulted by him a few times myself.
I know people only try to help. How do you like it when people say that someone looks beautiful in her casket? That has always been strange to me too.
We just buried my husband's uncle on Monday and I was in the family line too. You're right -- some interesting comments.
I am sorry about your loss. It is so hard to miss someone we love.
Beth
Daveda,
I am truly sorry for the comments that hurt you at a time you were already hurting. That instead of making you feel better, that adding insult to your injury.
Still praying for you and keeping you and your family in our thoughts as we go about our day. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you!
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
Thanks for that little lesson! I have sometimes been at a loss for what to say to give someone comfort...not I know what not to say. Thank you!
You're invited to visit my blog:
www.heavenlyhumor.blogspot.com
Let's share a few laughs!
I have learned that if I don't know what to say, just don't say anything in the first place. Sometimes, sharing their loss is felt through that sincere act of silence. For we all grieve differently. So we can't really go by what we feel, especially if we don't know what shoes they were in.
The last thing you mentioned about that rude man was the worst. But a lot of them get so curious anyway to what you have been up to. But it's easier to wish that they will just SHUT UP.
Blessings to you sister.
I believe there are sensitive times in a person's life when words, both good or ill, cut more deeply. I'm sorry you had such sad experiences along with your grandmother's death. Thank you for the reminder to be careful. Weep with those who mourn... yes, this is good.
YIKES! What is wrong with some people??
Too bad you couldn't think of something sarcastic at the time, just to take the edge off like.....yeah, I did put on a few pounds. Thankfully I can lose this little bit of weight, ugliness lasts forever.
{{{hugs}}}
Oh I took notes :)
People are so uncomfortable with silence aren't they? Many times, when grief is deep, the most blessed thing to do is simply to sit with the one left behind. If they need to talk listen. If they need to simply share their sorrow in silent communion let them do that. But don't stain the moment with empty words.
I'm so sorry you had to hear these rude comments! Yes, I've had my share of them, too, while standing in family receiving lines.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am praying that you and your family feel God's comfort and peace, as only HE can give.
Blessings,
Beth E.
P.S. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and commenting. Please come back again, anytime.
Sorry you had to deal with this sweetie.
I don't have time to get on the computer on Sunday so I am giving you heads up today. Please stop by my 9/6/09 post to pick up an award I have for you.
kat
Daveda,
I can not believe any of those things. What is wrong with people? I never know what to say to people in times of grief either. But come on! Just hugging them and saying "I am praying for you." seems to help the most.
But, it is true! I am praying for you!
Christy
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